I catch myself wallowing in my loss then suddenly hear the laughter of my children and am shocked that I can't share in their light hearted joy. It makes me feel so guilty, it's as if I'm under water, with all sounds and feelings muted,not quite connected with what's right in front of me. Today's been like that. this beautiful autumnal day that practically passed me by, though I was still aware of it's beauty even though I couldn't fully connect with it. There are days like this since you've been gone. Were we too close? Can I not claim back that piece of me that went when you went? Will my own children feel like this when I go? I hope not, may they remember the good and feast on that memory and know that I'll always be with them, may they in the face of grief draw strength from the love that's been given them, may they be strong in spirit and positive in thought.
May tomorrow bring back the good memories I forgot today.
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I know how you feel. It's like you can't quite ever be truely happy, not like you were 'before'. Before you lost that part of you, I like your expression about claiming that piece of you back. Where's mine too?! As time goes on you learn to wallow for shorter periods of time and manage to put it back on the shelf again more quickly! But then this has led me to barely letting myself dwell on it. I find memories about my parents crop up when talking to friends but then those with parents still alive get all awkward because you talk openly about 'them being dead memories' . Now I just wallow and don't even blame it on my dead parents! Just life!
ReplyDeleteIt all becomes a long time ago for me, and the memories are just flashbacks with no real depth. The trouble is that the best memories are those that are shared and recalled by those who were there, so when the person you shared the memory with is gone, those memories aren't sparked by the other and even when conjured up are harder to recall, and when you do, they can make you feel even more alone, so your brain doesn't allow you to continue,. So keep alive those thoughts, good and bad. It's good to let the memories flow whilst they are there and grieve for them and those times, because as time goes on they fade.
I find the happiest moments/ occasions, significant events and achievements, even when retuning home from a good party/festival, sucessful achievements. Those times when I'm feeling happy have a flipside, the ability to release other shelved emotions, a chance to cry with both happiness and loss at the same time, a chance to let out that feeling you know has never really gone away. A feeling that is now translated into, I wish my Mum was here to .....so I could tell her my news, come to my exhibition, see my shop, be the only person really interested in what I've achieved, read the article about me, There's no one to 'report back to' anymore. Without my mum or a dad, but with a daughter of my own is what fills that 'void' to an extent, the love goes to her, I now know how my mum felt about me, whcih also makes me sadder but mainly makes me feel that she lives on through me, it's like 'blimey- I'm behaving / saying something just like Mum/Dad, it's a comforting blip and makes me chuckle and hopefully sparks off a memory.
Dead Parent Society - Rant No.1 by Jax
Two very poignant and significant postings for sure. Both so true, so much so that they almost hurt to read. here's the rub-let your losses in life be your lessons. I know when I lost my father after a particularly lengthy and painful experience it renewed in me the importance of actually telling those who actually matter-and who have affected my life that they have done so, and continue to do so. Don't let innocuous moments that mean so much to you slip by because maybe you think they are less important to your children, family, or friends. STOP! Tell those who matter what wells in your heart, this is the only way to fill the voids that may exist in the future.
ReplyDeleteLosing a parent is like becoming an orphan in a sense. For so long as you have a parent, you can still remain "someone's child"; once they are gone you're a bit wobbled, and alone until you get your footing back. Great post---full of emotions I too still feel, think, and deal with. You write very well Gogs, I can feel exactly what you mean in your words. Bravo!
My beloved mother was the single most important person in my life and the most remarkable person I have ever met. I owe everything I am to her. Ok, so I am biased, but everyone adored her and thought she was amazing. I miss her terribly ... BUT ... I am soooooo like my mother and, if I am strong and I succeed in life, as she always believed I could, then that is the ultimate I can do. I knew, when she died, I had to be strong enough to 'take over the torch of superwoman' and hold her hand, at her bedside, and tell her it was ok. I did it. And I believed it. That is the spirit of my mother in me. I love her so much - always have, always will, whether she is here or not. I know she would be proud and that is all that matters.
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